Labels Are Only Good For Jars
The human brain is a story-making organism. In order to comprehend the world and make sense of its craziness we have to create stories; scenarios that make sense out of nonsense. These stories also justify our place in the world, and usually excuse our behavior by labelling it reasonable and others’ behavior as unreasonable. Having someone be at fault is much easier for us to absorb than the more
difficult reality; things sometimes just happen. In the personal realm, when a friend has a relationship go awry, other friends will gather round and determine what the other partner did wrong to ruin the relationship. This allows the newly single person to move forward and find someone who does not possess the same bad qualities as the former partner. This is a lot easier than admitting that you are a good person, so was your partner, but you just weren’t good together. Being able to label
someone a hero or a villain makes life a lot easier, and it fits neatly into the Disney movie version of life we are taught as kids.
Labels and stories make life’s ups and downs easier to explain, but those explanations are almost never accurate. No one is wholly good; and expecting such from anyone sets them up for imminent failure. No one is purely evil, with the exception of Hitler, Nero, or whoever invented twerking. At work, labels are a
great excuse to blame others for us not getting what we want. If a client continually asks for corrections on a project, just label her hard to please. If a manager looks over your shoulder more than you like, label her a micromanager. If a co-worker disagrees with your ideas at meetings; label him a difficult person.
With these labels firmly in place you are now off the hook. Someone else being hard to please means you now
don’t have to consider whether you are actually delivering your best work. Someone being a micromanager lets you avoid the more difficult task of looking in the mirror and asking, “Is there something I could do differently that would make my manager trust me?” And the grand-daddy of them all is labeling someone a difficult person. That wonderful, all-inclusive label means they are the cause of all of your problems. Now you don’t have to consider that maybe your idea—the one they
objected to—was bad.
Psychologists advise clients to avoid using the label difficult person altogether. First, because it isn’t accurate in the real world, and second, because applying that particular label has an unintended effect on yourself. When you label someone else difficult, you actually give up all social power to that person. A switch goes off in your brain that makes finding resolution with that person almost impossible.
By calling them difficult, all outcomes lie squarely in their hands.
The truth behind people’s actions may take more effort to discern, but the result is a better outcome and a happier and more productive you. Realizing that other people may simply be in a hurry, or have had a tough morning with the kids, or are trying to juggle ten things at once, makes it easier to make that phone call you have been putting off, accept a little critique, or walk
into someone’s office to talk over an issue instead of talking about her behind her back.
I have a personal example of labeling that I use to keep myself on track when my brain goes into storytelling mode. I was in the back yard this summer tending to the patch of weeds my wife and I call “the garden.” I saw my next-door neighbor mowing his lawn. He didn’t see me so I called out, “Hi, Joe!” Nothing. He didn’t look up, he didn’t acknowledge me; he
just kept mowing. Joe and I had always been friendly, so I didn’t know what to think of this, so I started with the story-making. Did I do something to offend Joe? He must hate it when I park on the street in front of the house. I bet he is mad we haven’t invited him and his wife over since they moved to the neighborhood. I kept building the story bigger and badder to the point where I was sure my wife and I would have to sell our house and move out of the city. At that moment, Joe
reached the end of his lawn near where I was working. When he turned the corner I saw two little white wires hanging from his ears. He had an iPod with earbuds playing music while he mowed. He never heard my greeting. When he looked up and saw me he broke into a big smile and a wave. My wife was relieved to know that we didn’t have to sell our house after all.
The next time you have a difficult time with a co-worker, customer, or client; ask
yourself what label you are applying to them. Is the label realistic? Is it reasonable? In most cases, the answer is no (unless they invented twerking).
