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Get Out of Your Head
Before his death in 2008, Paul Sills, the founding director of The Second City theatre in Chicago, taught seminars in improvisation at his
home in Door County Wisconsin. From applications send from around the country, he would select sixteen people to attend a week-long workshop; I was fortunate to be selected to attend back in the ‘90s. Most of us expected to learn clever performance techniques, but Sills surprised us on the first day by saying that success in improvisation—and in life—does not rely on quick-thinking or being clever; it relies on staying out of your head.
The basic function of the human brain is to keep us safe. The sub-routine of the brain’s programming, if you will, that is constantly running underneath our thinking is a process that looks out for danger and steers us away from it. Another process that supports this is the brain’s tendency to think ahead. Thinking ahead is a subconscious function that helps us be prepared. If we are going to face an unpleasant situation—a tough
conversation with an employee or customer—we mentally create various scenarios and determine how we would best react in each. This is what psychologists call Defensive Pessimism, and it is actually a healthy way to keep stress at bay during stressful times (unless you overdo it, then you become paranoid).
The problem with thinking ahead too much is that is can disconnect you from the present. The
result is poor communication and bad outcomes. Thinking ahead during conversations means you only half listen, you think instead of your response; missing important information, but also misreading vital body language, vocal inflections, and facial expressions that guide us to positive ends. Paul Sills said he would take us through various exercises and stop us only when he saw us get into our heads. Not being in the moment ruins communication. It means you are thinking ahead,
either about what you want to say or about where the interaction may end up. In the world of improvisation this is called playwrighting, and most of us are guilty of having a script running through our heads that we wish others would follow.
Sills stopped me at one point during an exercise and asked me if I knew why. I said I thought the exercise was going just fine, and he said, “You were in your
head. You weren’t in the moment.” I realized he was right and he asked me what was in my head. I told him that, although the exercise was going okay, I was still worried about it ending well. He said, “If you think too much about the future, you will screw up today. And the reason you will screw it up and you will have a script in your head that you want everyone to follow. The trouble is, no one else knows your script.”
I thought about that exchange a few days ago while having lunch with a friend and colleague, Gary. Gary was talking about a wonderful workshop he attended that improved his communication skills, leadership, and teamwork. Like a lot of guys, when Gary hit upon a point that I felt strongly about I found myself only half listening. I couldn’t wait to add my two cents worth. Isn’t it ironic that Gary was talking about being in the moment and I was thinking about my
workshop with Paul Sills where we learned to be in the moment, but my reminiscing was causing me to not be in the moment?
When I caught myself getting in my head, I made a conscious effort to focus on the reason for talking to Gary in the first place; to learn something. There is a time for teaching and a time for learning; learning involves listening, not talking. I get plenty of chances to talk, but not
enough opportunities to learn. Every time I found myself eager to jump in with my own thoughts, I told myself that Gary didn’t need teaching, I needed learning.
Paul Sills said that success in working with other people is easy. He said, “If you stay out of your head you will always know what to say to come to a successful end. Your partner will tell you what to say. By every word and nuance they will
tell you what you need to do or say in order to best work with them. All you have to do is listen; which is the hardest skill of all.”
Imagine how much more successful people would be if they stopped screwing up the future by worrying about outcomes. How much more would get accomplished at meetings if everyone was in the moment? In every field of business we would be more successful if we reminded
ourselves that no one else is aware of the script we have prepared for them.
Stevie Ray is a nationally recognized corporate speaker and trainer, helping companies improve communication skills, customer service, leadership, and team management. He can be reached at www.stevierays.org or stevie@stevierays.org.