I remember watching the show Leave it To Beaver as a kid on a black and white TV set; the kind that was built into a living room cabinet so you could close it and not have the neighbors think that all you did all evening was sit around and watch TV. This was back in the day when all you did all evening was sit around and watch TV. This was also a time when you actually knew most of your neighbors, let alone cared what they thought about what you did with your time. Hardly an episode of that show could go by without hearing the mother, June Cleaver, say the immortal phrase, "You just wait until your father comes home!"

Growing up, if my siblings or I got into trouble, we didn't have to wait for dad to get home; we had an equal fear of either mother or father finding out about it. Which parent dealt with you didn't matter because you were going to get the same punishment either way. The only reprieve we had was if dad was not in the mood to "deal with these kids" so we would just be sent to bed early. I think in today's terms it is called a Time Out. This may seem lame, but when you are thirteen years old, it is only 4:30 in the afternoon, and you are stuck in bed for the rest of the night on a nice summer day, you actually wished for the harsher treatment so you could get it over with and get back outside.

Now I see parents on talk shows lamenting the fact that their children are borderline criminals (and, in some cases, not so borderline), and "There is nothing I can do. I've tried everything." Eventually, the host invariably asks, "Have you tried punishing the child?" I am astonished at how often the response from the flustered parent is, "I want to, but I just can't bring myself to do it." Apparently, "trying everything" stops just short of trying anything. One talk show had a parent saying, "I don't know why he is so violent. Every time he acts up I beat him." Sometimes you don't know whether to laugh or cry.

I ran into an old acquaintance at a mall recently. He had his two young children with him, and throughout our entire conversation the children waited politely. I said to him, "Man, your kids are very well behaved." Without hesitation, he replied, "It's not an option." It's not an option. I have started to use that phrase in my work with business folks. I believe that, just like bad parents have no idea why their inability to enforce discipline has caused a disruptive child, bad managers who don't stand firm when dealing with poor behavior in the workplace are surprised when their employees act out. America has lost some healthy fear. And fear is sometimes good. My siblings and I were never afraid of our parents, but we have always been, and to a large degree remain, afraid of their disapproval. This extends to a fear of disappointing co-workers, clients, and colleagues. This fear keeps us focused on doing our best, not because of the reward of doing good work or the reprisal of failure, but because doing our best is simply the right thing to do. Our parents didn't say, "Do your homework right away because the reward is being able to play afterwards." They said, "Do your homework now because that is what you are supposed to do." If you lead with reward or punishment, doing right for its own sake takes a backseat to, "What's in it for me?"

I was conducting a workshop recently in which the company leaders were rolling out new standards for conduct; how to treat co-workers better, how to treat customers better, and how to do the best work possible every day. There was concern among the directors, managers, and supervisors about how the new standards would be received. They were worried that the staff wouldn't like the new standards. They were anxious about what to do if the staff resisted implementing the practices. One of the managers asked me my opinion and I said, "Since when is it an option to follow the directives of the company? My parents didn't say, 'Do your homework, unless you don't feel like doing it.'"

I certainly don't advocate leading with a "Do it or you're fired" approach. My father once told me that if a boss ever threatens to fire you, quit that job as soon as possible. And if an employee threatens to quit, fire that employee as soon as possible. People can't work in an atmosphere of threats, they can only survive. I do, however, believe in an atmosphere of expectations. A leader's job is to provide vision; a future for the company that others might not see. In order to get to that future the leader has to lay out the path, and then hold people accountable for their behavior.

Threats aren't appropriate or effective. What is appropriate is a conversation that states, "I made it clear what I need you to do. You said you understood what was to be done. Now you aren't doing it. Our company is like a secret club. In order to be in the club you have to know the secret password, the handshake, and the code of conduct. If you don't do those things, it makes me wonder why you want to be in the club. You wouldn't join a ski club, buy all the equipment, and then show up at the slopes and walk around talking about how much you hate skiing. You would quit the club first. We're a ski club and you aren't skiing."

I don't like the threat of firing someone, but it is fine to ask the question, "Given that you don't want to do the things the company is asking you to do, why do you still want to stay here?" In such cases, the answer is either "To keep getting a paycheck" or "I want to stay and do things the way I did when I first started here years ago." Neither answer works. Neither answer should be accepted by a leader, however too many leaders avoid even having this conversation.

How many times have you seen bad behavior and hoped that the universe would take care of that person for you? Maybe she will quit on her own and you won't have to deal with her bad attitude. Maybe he will eventually tire out and turn around. Maybe someone else will address the issue; I've got a meeting to get to. Sure, and maybe a child's teacher in school will be able to make up for the lack of parenting at home. Or even better, let's produce a training video! If we sit our employees down in front of a video that displays the behavior we're looking for, they will magically become the people we want them to be. I love videos; they ensure that no one ever has to confront each other face to face. Video-based training absolutely has its place, and can disseminate basic information to large groups of people, but managing is face to face.

Parents who request that their children behave get what they deserve, and they can't blame TV, the school system, or society for the outcome. They have created an atmosphere in which the children are not afraid of the parent's disapproval. So the kids will grow up not afraid of anyone else's disapproval. The next time you turn a blind eye to inappropriate behavior, or make following your directions optional, get ready to appear on a TV talk show and say, "I don't know what to do about my employee. I've tried everything (except be the one in charge)."

 

Stevie Ray is a nationally recognized corporate speaker and trainer, helping companies improve communication skills, customer service, leadership, and team management.  He can be reached at www.stevierays.org or stevie@stevierays.org.

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