At a recent workshop I was conducting, I was discussing with a group of executives an important factor in attracting customers; removing stress factors from doing business with you. As a point of discussion, I asked them what caused them stress when they were in the consumer's role themselves. Jerry in the back of the room piped up and said, "I hate going to big shopping malls." When I asked why, he replied, "Because there are always crowds of people there." I suppressed the urge to ask, "And when did you expect a mall to provide a private shopping experience?" Instead I asked him exactly what about crowds of people bothered him. He said, "Everyone either walks too slow or rushes around like lunatics. Some people-for no reason whatsoever-stop right in front of me in the middle of the hallway."
Jerry's sentiment reminded me of what George Carlin once said, "Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?" In an effort to demonstrate that Jerry's stress was self-induced I asked him, "What do you mean the people had 'no reason whatsoever' to stop? Why shouldn't they stop walking? Don't they get to decide where and when they will walk?" Jerry answered, "But it doesn't make any sense to stop right in the middle of hallway." "Of course it makes sense," I said. "It makes sense to them, which is why they stopped. The fact that you don't understand their reasoning doesn't make their reasoning any less valid." "But," he continued, "why just stop right in the middle of the hallway? I don't get it."
I concluded the conversation with Jerry with an old Chinese proverb, "Not to understand another man's thinking, does not make him confused." What was interesting, but not surprising, was discovering that Jerry-who had such a hard time with crowds of people- also had a hard time with co-workers and clients. In his opinion, most of his co-workers were stupid and clients' demands were unreasonable. Most often, the offending parties were simply engaging in behavior that they had every right to do. These fools had simply failed to contact Jerry to get prior approval before going about their day.
Jerry's case is a prime example of the self-induced stress that many people cause in the workplace. When speaking to employees about their dissatisfaction with co-workers, the behavior they cite as the reason for their anger is behavior that is perfectly within the rights of the other individual. The offended party would simply have done things differently. It's like rush hour traffic. First, people seem to be constantly surprised that there are actually other drivers on the road when it is time to go to work or go home at the end of the day. Second, "Why is that idiot driving (faster than me, slower than me, so close to me, so far away from me)?" Basically, "why isn't everyone doing what I want them to do, even though they don't know what I want?" The answer to, "Why does he keep changing lanes back and forth?" is "Because he wants to. Unless he is running into you, his reasons are none of your business."
I asked a woman at one company why she wasn't getting along with her team-mate. She said, "Because Susan never gets her G-2 reports to me by two o'clock." I asked, "Is she supposed to?" She said, "Well, everyone else does." I replied, "That doesn't answer the question. Is she supposed to? Has she ever actually agreed to get them to you by two o'clock?" The woman said, "Well...no, but I still think she should." The hardest thing for the woman to realize was that Susan gets to decide for herself what to do, and cannot be held to behavior she has not agreed to perform. Another difficult concept for the woman to accept was that Susan didn't owe her an explanation for anything she did. Often, when others act in ways that are strange to us, we feel we are owed an explanation as to why. We can respectfully ask for a reason, especially if the behavior directly effects us. If, however, we don't agree with the other person's reasons, that doesn't mean they don't have a right to make their own decisions. For too many people, the definition of compromise is the other person changing their behavior.
The tendency to criticize people for behavior that is perfectly within their rights reaches to every facet of a society, and is probably the price one pays for being human. For some reason, our brains seem to be wired to interpret unexplained behavior as negative instead of neutral. All mammals are social creatures, and thereby governed by unwritten rules meant to preserve harmony within the pack. Humans are considered ultra-social mammals in that we live in larger groups than any other mammal on the planet. This is bound to create some friction, especially when people exhibit behavior that is markedly dissimilar to our own. Left unchecked, the automatic dislike switch goes off just because someone wears clothing that is different than ours, votes differently, prays differently, celebrates differently, or grieves differently. The only real answer to the question, "Why do they do it that way?" is "Because they want to."
Imagine how much easier customer service would be if your service professionals weren't silently judging the motives of the caller? How many more sales would be made if the sales professional wasn't thinking, "Why doesn't this guy just stop asking questions and buy?" How much better would teamwork be if the members of the team said to themselves, "Everybody gets to act however they want. It doesn't matter whether I understand their behavior."? How stress-free would managing people be if we weren't second-guessing what was behind someone's actions? The natural tendency of social creatures is to compare behavior with the "accepted norm" and criticize behavior that falls outside the scope of normal. The problem is when creatures become as advanced as humans claim to be, what is considered normal is subject to redefinition every time someone relocates and brings their normal with them.
To work together, manage each other, and do business together, professionals must keep a check on the instant like/dislike reactions that occur in the lower brain. They must slow down their reactions, giving time for the upper brain to see situations for what they truly are (which is-in most cases-neutral, not negative). In a free society the rule is simple, you can't be angry at someone unless they fail to do something that they previously agreed to do. You can't hold people's actions against them for simply doing what they decided to do. Anything less is not being a good social creature.
Stevie Ray is a nationally recognized corporate speaker and trainer, helping companies improve communication skills, customer service, leadership, and team management. He can be reached at stevie@stevierays.org.
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