"Do You Love Your Job, or The People In It?"

I was at an all-company meeting the other day waiting to conduct a workshop.  It was a financial planning company and the C.E.O. was delivering an end-of-the-fiscal-year speech.  I settled into my chair expecting to snooze through another "I have faith in this company because we're the best" speech.  I have come to believe that only half of the presidents and C.E.O.s in this country believe they can genuinely talk to their employees, the other half circulate the same speech from company to company.  Maybe that is what really happens at a C.E.O. Roundtable meeting, after the secret handshake everyone exchanges speeches.

This guy surprised me, however.  After a short time talking about plans for the coming year, he shifted into what he wanted the company to be known for.  And it wasn't just the services or corporate image that made up his vision.  He talked about how he wanted people to remember the place after they retired. He used a word I don't think I've heard in a company meeting in all the years I've been hanging around corporate America, love.  He talked about the love that he wanted everyone in the company to feel for each other. He wanted people who retired to think back with love about the people they worked with for so many years. 

I was struck at first by the attention paid to the people who retired.  To most companies, retirees are the forgotten masses who draw from 401(k) funds and take advantage of Senior Day at restaurants.  This company used them as a barometer for how they were treating people who were still on the payroll.  The C.E.O. didn't just want retirees to look back fondly upon their years of service; he wanted them to think back with love about the people at the company.  What was more surprising was that this kind of discussion didn't seem to surprise the audience.  I expected a room full of financial planners to squirm uneasily in their chairs at any use of the word love that wasn't, "I love you, you big lug!" (followed by a punch in the arm).  It was clear that this kind of sentiment was not new to this company.  These people went beyond I love my job and arrived at I love the people I work with.

Not surprisingly, the group created one of the most productive workshops I have ever facilitated.  They worked well together not because they could work well, but because they loved each other.  And the atmosphere wasn't like a '60s Woodstock hug-fest; they just got along and played well together.  They realized that no one ever woke up and said, "I can't wait to go to work to fill out forms today."  People wake up and say, "I love working with Sharon.  I love being around here."  This group was twice as fast in decision-making exercises, much more creative during problem-solving games, and disagreed and in the best way; which is to say they had lively debates in which opposing viewpoints could be expressed and no one felt belittled or attacked.  This group loved each other so much I had to work extra hard just to find challenges that would stump them.  They had a C.E.O. that used the word love.

This got me thinking about my work, my family, and who I loved being around.  George Carlin once said, "Think about your family.  If you weren't related to this people, would you really choose to be around them?"  I happen to be lucky, I genuinely like being around my family.  I also happen to be lucky because I genuinely love being around the people I work with.  In fact, when my business partner and I are deciding who to hire we ask ourselves, "Would you honestly love to see that person walk through the door every day?" If either of us can't honestly say we would love to see them every day, it isn't worth hiring them.

Love, however, is the hardest quality to maintain. It requires you to be a grown-up. Sadly, grown-ups seem to be in short supply in the workplace.  Grown-ups understand that love takes a lot of work.  My family has as many squabbles and disagreements as any other, we have our share of talking behind each other's backs, but we temper those moments of weakness (and talking behind someone's back is a weakness) with the knowledge that we would still walk through fire for each other.  We make time to get together, even though sometimes it would be easier or cheaper to stay at home.  We let each other have our messed up points of view, even though we sometimes want to scream, "How can you think that way?!"  We do the work that it takes to keep a family together.  If you love someone, you will do the work it takes to honor that relationship.

When most people go to work, they work at their work, but they don't do the work it takes to keep love in the workplace.  If they disagree with someone, they make sure everyone else in the office knows what a loser that person is.  They delight in the misfortunes that person might endure. Even worse, they may have issues with someone, but instead of respectfully speaking to the co-worker, they let negative feelings simmer in silence.  Imagine having this kind of relationship with a family member; that would make for a cheery Thanksgiving.  We do the work so our families treat each other with love and respect even though we might see each other only once or twice a year, yet we see our co-workers every day and expend little effort to make sure those relationships are loving and respectful.

A popular sentiment these days is, "Your work won't take care of you when you are sick, your family will.  Spend your time accordingly."  That mentality was born in an era where you "kept your personal life out of the workplace."  That philosophy would be great if you were dealing with robots.  People need something more.  George Carlin may be right about families not choosing to be around each other, but it is sad that many people would say the same thing about fellow employees.  Grown-ups know that love takes work.  Children need to be taught how to behave in a loving relationship.  Children get upset when they don't get what they want. Grown-ups realize that disappointment is a part of life.  Children are suspicious of other people if they are "too different."  Grown-ups know that beneath the surface everyone is pretty much the same.  Children form alliances, teams, and clubs that keep outsiders at bay.  Grown-ups say, "Let your little brother join the club!" If your child came home from school and said, "I can't stand Billy!" you would talk to your child about Billy and make her understand that Billy is not evil, he is just different.  If a co-worker says, "I hate Billy," you would both go out for drinks after work and have a Billy Bashing session.  Then you have the audacity to expect a smooth working relationship with Billy.  Is it any wonder that managers have had to spend so much time being parents in the workplace?

My wife once asked me how, with all the challenges a marriage can face, I knew ours would last.  I said, "Because we will work to make it happen."  We won't hope it will last; we won't close our eyes and cross our fingers.  We will work at it every day, because if something is worthwhile you work to make it happen.  Don't the people you see every day deserve the same effort?

Love takes work.  It is the most precarious quality of any relationship and it is the easiest to destroy.  When you love someone you don't keep score, you let things go.  Gossip is easier than honest face-to-face confrontation. Judgment is easier than walking in someone else's shoes.  Criticism is easier than compliment.  Hate is easier than love.  I was not given a choice about who was in my family, but I will be there if they need me. Most of us aren't given a choice about who we work with, but if we do the work we can have a loving work relationship.  And that is worth the work.

Stevie Ray is a nationally recognized corporate speaker and trainer, helping companies improve communication skills, customer service, leadership, and team management. He can be reached at 612-825-1832 or stevie@stevierays.org.

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